If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that when it comes to weird Nigerian food combinations, some people are terrorists. Somewhere along the line, these people looked at perfectly innocent food items, decided they were not suffering enough individually and began putting them together in ways that should attract immediate police intervention. They took a look at free will and decide to abuse it.
They say food is life, but these people decided to use their free will to do to food things that will make even a ghost say “Over my dead body”. Pardon me if I am sounding a little bit extreme, but I have seen things. I have heard things. And some of these things would have made me forgo eating forever if I didn’t love it so much.
What is wrong with you people? 
And you want to know what the worst part is? The culprits usually believe these combinations are perfectly okay. They’ll mention a food combo that sounds so alien, and begin to speak of it like it isn’t supposed to be a hospital-recommended last resort cure for purging. They even try to defend it with “e slap!”
Now, I understand that everyone has tastes and preferences, and what goes for one person might definitely not sit well in another person’s stomach. Everyone is also allowed to be weird. But really, there are extremes, and it is those left-wing combos that we are here to address, prosecute and hopefully ban today.
So grab hold of your gag reflexes, because some of these mashups will surely make you want to puke. And if they don’t, well, you’re one of those terrorists I mentioned earlier, and we’re coming for you.
Weird Nigerian food combinations that should not exist
Bread and ogbonna
Yes, we’re starting right out with a strong one, so y’all know we’re not playing around here.
Now, what exactly happened here? Bread has already suffered enough in this country. First, you people started dipping it in tea until it lost its dignity. Now you want to drown it in ogbono? Someone I know even tried to dress it up by saying you’ll slice open the bread and pour the ogbono in the middle, like a sandwich.
Hello? Is this the CIA? I would like to report a crime of culinary terror.
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Rice and okro
Rice has enough problems without being dragged into this. Why are you pouring okro soup on rice? Is this a meal or a plumbing experiment? The two foods have absolutely no business meeting like this. Somebody should separate them before things get worse.
Raw noodles and soft Drink
Some people will open a packet of Indomie, crush the noodles, sprinkle the seasoning and wash it down with Fanta. Excuse me, are you eating or conducting a chemistry practical? I thought we only did this growing up, as part of fooling around. Why is this your lunch? Why?
Yam and rice
WHY??? What is the objective? Are you trying to build a house inside your stomach? Why not add a sprinkle of cement so you can become the bricklayer you were always meant to be? Two heavyweights on one plate. Your digestive system deserves hazard allowance.
Eba (or any swallow) and egg sauce
I can almost understand the thought process behind this. Almost. But just because egg sauce looks vaguely like egusi does not mean it is a substitute. I don’t care how much palm oil you pour into it. Egg sauce is not egusi. Eba deserves better, and frankly, so do you.
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Noodles and okro
Bread and ice cream
Why are you spreading ice cream inside bread? DOES IT LOOK LIKE BUTTER??? If you want ice cream, eat ice cream. If you want bread, eat bread. Stop forcing them into an arranged (and toxic) marriage.
Jollof Rice and Vegetables
I know what you’re thinking: vegetables are healthy. Wonderful. Congratulations on your nutritional awareness. But why must you turn every plate of jollof into a garden? Some of us came here for enjoyment, not to feel like rabbits at a birthday party.
Yam and bread
So you woke up, looked at yam and thought, “This is not carbohydrate enough?”? What exactly are you preparing for? A 48-hour shift at a construction site?
Spaghetti and beans
We are now entering into a realm of weird Nigerian food combinations enforced by sapa. The inexonerable state of “no money”. This particular combo is especially common among school students, who have been forced to make certain compromises to their culinary integrity thanks to empty wallets. Spagewa, they call it. And no matter how much they pretend to enjoy it, I know on some level that they feel disgusted by their actions.
Rice and bread
Again, another desperate decision enforced by sapa and the accompanying hunger, or when you’re gearing up for a day of hard labour at the construction site. Normal people do not (and should not) eat this. The calories will band together and beat you.
Noodles and bread
I once had a roommate who cooked a packet of noodles, did not allow the water to dry and drained it out, then used the water as a substitute for tea to eat bread at night. I could not make that up if I tried.
And just like that, we’ve left behind the realm of enforced culinary decisions. Anything from here on is a conscious decision, and they should be investigated accordingly.
Rice and pawpaw
I think the problem with you people is that you believe two food items should automatically become friends because they complement each other nutritionally. Because WHAT IS THIS? Rice is not a fruit salad ingredient. Pawpaw has its place, and it is nowhere near a plate of rice.
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Beans and Pawpaw
I don’t even know where to begin. Beans and pawpaw? The combination doesn’t even sound aesthetically pleasing, and neither is it spiritually uplifting or emotionally reassuring. Who looks at a bowl of beans and decides it needs fruit? Please seek help.
Golden morn and moi moi
No wonder babies cry when you walk into the room. That’s all I’m going to say on this one.
Yam and pap
Yam and pap? This is a carbohydrate summit with no opposition party. If it ran for presidency, it would win with a landslide. I am not qualified to give medical advice, but if your breakfast needs this much starch, at least invite a nutritionist to the meeting. Your stomach is not a storage facility.
Soaked garri and bread
Bread has really suffered at the hands of Nigerians. First, ogbono. Then ice cream. Now you want to introduce it to soaked garri? This is the body of Christ, for God’s sake.
Meat pie and salad
This is what classism does to you. Nuff said.
Rice and soaked garri
I refuse to believe this is real. You have rice. You have garri. Then you have water. And somehow, instead of making two separate meals, you decided to combine them? Nahhh! Y’all be playing, mehn!
Soaked garri and banana
I swear, Oduduwa will attend your case for this traditional travesty. You have finally crossed the line. Because who looks at a bowl of soaked garri and thinks, “You know what this needs? Banana.” Garri has survived economic hardship, fuel scarcity and countless Nigerian governments. Please let it rest.
Weird Nigerian food combinations: Can we please respect our food?
Look, I understand that food is personal. Everybody has their preferences, and some of these combinations probably taste better than they sound. I am also aware that Nigerians are wonderfully creative when it comes to making a meal out of whatever happens to be available.
But creativity must have boundaries.
There is a difference between experimenting with food and committing culinary offences in broad daylight. Not every two things that exist in your kitchen need to meet on the same plate.
So, by all means, eat what makes you happy. Just remember that somewhere, a Nigerian food lover is watching you put pawpaw inside rice and silently questioning the future of this country.
And if you are guilty of any of these combinations, please know that I am judging you. Respectfully, of course. I am not saying people should go to prison for their food choices. But I am also not saying they shouldn’t.
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