Pastor Bolaji Idowu, lead pastor of Harvesters International Christian Centre, has advised married couples to communicate with affection, emphasising the importance of speaking to their partners with warmth and respect.
In a message shared on his TikTok handle, the cleric addressed married people directly, writing: “For married people only; learn to talk with affection!”
His advice comes shortly after another relationship teaching by Idowu attracted widespread attention online, following an exchange with congregants who responded “Men dey!” during a discussion about women’s expectations of men. 
The two messages have drawn attention to conversations about relationship expectations, emotional connection and the importance of treating partners with consideration.
Pastor Bolaji Idowu emphasises affectionate communication
Idowu’s latest message encourages married people to pay attention not only to what they say but also to how they say it.
In marriage, even a legitimate complaint can become hurtful when delivered through insults, contempt or an unnecessarily harsh tone. By contrast, speaking with affection allows partners to address difficult issues without making the other person feel attacked or devalued.
His advice also challenges the idea that familiarity should make courtesy and tenderness less important between couples.
Simple expressions of appreciation, a gentle response to a mistake or a willingness to listen before reacting can help partners feel respected. These everyday gestures can influence how couples handle disagreements and reconnect after difficult conversations.
Affectionate communication does not mean avoiding uncomfortable discussions. Rather, it means addressing problems without losing sight of the person on the other side of the conversation.
Pastor Bolaji Idowu & the viral “Men dey!” sermon
The latest message follows Idowu’s relationship teaching that went viral after women in his congregation responded “Men dey!” during a discussion about what a woman should reasonably expect from a potential partner.
During the exchange, the pastor questioned whether a man at a similar stage of life as a 26-year-old woman could reasonably meet expectations such as providing a car, an iPhone and a monthly allowance of ₦1 million.
When congregants instead responded with “Men dey!”, suggesting that men who could meet those expectations were available, Idowu removed his shoes, dusted them and ended the session.
The moment generated debate online about financial expectations, materialism and relationship standards.
His latest advice shifts the focus from what partners expect to receive to how married people treat one another in everyday life.
What relationship research says about affection
Research supports the importance of positive communication in romantic relationships.
A systematic review published in Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice examined studies on communication and relationship satisfaction. Its findings supported an association between positive communication, including supportive and validating responses, and greater relationship satisfaction.
The Gottman Institute also recommends beginning difficult conversations gently rather than opening with blame or criticism. Its guidance encourages partners to explain their feelings and needs without attacking the other person’s character.
These findings do not suggest that affectionate words alone can resolve every marital problem. Financial disagreements, unmet expectations and deeper relationship difficulties may require honest conversations and, sometimes, professional counselling.
However, respectful communication can provide a better starting point for resolving disagreements.
Following the online debate surrounding his earlier sermon, Pastor Bolaji Idowu’s marriage advice offers another perspective on relationships: beyond what partners expect from each other, how they speak to each other matters too.
For married couples, communicating with affection does not require perfection. It requires a conscious effort to preserve kindness and respect, even when conversations become difficult.
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