My husband of 8 years (we dated for 4 years and we were friends for 10 years) is obsessed with me. He stares at me and says I could not be prettier, gets mad if I ever mention plastic surgery, Botox, or cosmetic procedures in general, and constantly offers me back and foot rubs. He is also incredibly attentive when it comes to physical intimacy.
The problem is I don’t particularly crave any of that. I do not like people touching my feet or back, and honestly, I prefer to keep intimacy straightforward and direct. When he tries to prolong the build-up, I respond quickly and just want to move on. 
In fact, now that I think about it, I do not think I have ever once initiated that kind of extended intimacy. I do not generally think about physical intimacy at all; it has been a point of friction for us since day one.
I have anxiety issues, and he wants to be intimate all the time, even when I’m working, depressed, or emotional (which I am a large percentage of the time). He doesn’t understand that for me, intimacy is mental, and if I’m not in the right headspace, I’m not going to want or think about it. I’ve never been a very overtly physical person, but I do enjoy intimacy, just when it’s the right time. But I’ve never initiated it, and he gets upset and thinks I’m not attracted to him. The last time he stopped pursuing me to see what I would do, I only initiated closeness about once in a month.
I don’t know how to make him see that just because I don’t initiate physical intimacy, it doesn’t mean that I’m not attracted or that I don’t love him. His “love language” is physical touch, and for him, it’s the most important part of the relationship..
The best advice she got:
What is your relationship like aside from the physical intimacy?
“You don’t sound very compatible. That, or you just really aren’t into him beyond, I don’t know, companionship or convenience or other reasons known to you. I don’t imagine this dynamic only showed up after the wedding? What is your relationship like aside from the physical intimacy? What is the emotional and mental intimacy like? How DO you express love since it’s in the title of your post but you don’t really describe anything?”
You are incompatible
“I don’t see this ending in anything but misery and resentment.
I’m a woman who loves sex, and I could never be happy in a relationship with someone who didn’t want it often and who didn’t initiate or want me as much as I want them.
It just seems like you don’t like him as much as he likes you, and even if that’s not true, that’s likely exactly how it feels for him.
I realise you’re married, so that’s not easy to end. But you really are going to make this poor guy miserable.”
This is a communication issue
You two aren’t particularly compatible when it comes to sex and how you display affection for each other, so you need really good communication to overcome these issues. You’ve been together a long time, so he either accepts the status quo or he doesn’t. How do you express your love and appreciation towards him? Acts of service? Caretaking? I am the more physically affectionate one in my relationship, and when I expressed my disappointment that I don’t feel my husband shows his affection for me enough, it really hurt his feelings. He then outlined all the little things he does every day with me in mind to make my day better. It really opened my eyes to what he values in a relationship, and he let me know it means a lot to him when I verbally express my acknowledgement of his acts of service. It made a huge difference in our marriage.”
Attraction and initiation are different things
You might explain to him that attraction and initiation aren’t always the same thing. Some people rarely think about sex unless the timing and mental state are right, but that doesn’t mean they’re less attracted to their partner or love them any less.
It sounds like the real challenge is helping each other understand that you’re speaking different “love dialects.”
Editor’s note: These pieces of advice are packed with insights. I think there is a difference between feeling nothing and not feeling the right amount of sexual attraction. In either case, communication is key. She probably needs to work with a therapist to understand why her libido is so low.
Culled From Reddit.
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