Some relationships end after years of courtship, leaving one or both partners grieving a marriage they had already imagined. In other cases, past relationships can affect plans for marriage, as seen in the recent case involving Audrey Cyril and her fiancé.
For some couples, the relationship may collapse because of infidelity, unresolved issues or revelations about a partner’s past.
But what happens emotionally when someone loses not just a partner, but the marriage and future they had already envisioned? 
NBG Africa spoke with relationship therapist Kingsley Madugba, popularly known as Kingsley Speaks, about the emotional aftermath of losing an imagined marriage.
Drawing from his experience as a relationship therapist and his work with clients, Madugba explained why people can grieve a marriage that never happened.
People can grieve a marriage that never happened
Madugba explained that people can grieve a marriage that never happened because they had built expectations around it.
They may have imagined getting married, starting a family and building a life with their partner. When that future disappears, the emotional loss can feel real.
According to him, this can happen in two ways.
First, someone may date a partner for years while expecting the relationship to eventually lead to marriage. However, the relationship may end before that happens.
Second, a relationship may end after years of dating. The person may then struggle to find someone who reminds them of their former partner.
Madugba said this can cause them to grieve not only the relationship but also the marriage they had hoped to have.
He added that people can also grieve what could have been when an engagement falls apart.
The emotional pain may become worse because of the shame associated with a failed relationship. People may also mourn the time, energy and sacrifices invested in the relationship.
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Losing an imagined future can cause deep pain
Madugba explained that losing an imagined future can be painful because the life someone envisioned suddenly disappears. The person may feel forced to start again after investing years in building a relationship.
He said disappointment can also set in when someone discovers that their partner is not who they believed them to be. A person may have imagined spending the rest of their life with someone they trusted. Discovering a different side of that person can therefore be devastating.
Madugba said betrayal during an engagement can also affect a person’s confidence in their own judgement. After a failed engagement, someone may begin questioning their ability to make the right decisions. This can become particularly difficult when they consider entering another relationship.
According to Madugba, people sometimes grieve the life they imagined more than the person they planned to marry.
This is especially possible when they deeply loved their partner and had already built detailed plans around their future together.
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Memories of what could have been can make letting go difficult
Madugba said letting go can be difficult because people often hold on to memories of what could have been.
They may replay past events and wonder whether different choices could have produced a different outcome.
He explained that this can make emotional recovery harder, especially when the couple had already become close to their wedding day.
A public engagement can make the experience even more painful. Friends, family members and acquaintances may already know about the relationship and its planned future.
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Accepting the loss can help the healing process
Madugba said acceptance is an important part of healing after losing an imagined future.
He advised people to stop trying to create a different ending and accept that the future they planned may no longer happen.
The therapist also urged people to examine the beliefs they develop after a painful breakup.
Some may begin to question whether genuine love exists because of what they experienced. However, Madugba encouraged them to remain open to love.
He said one painful relationship should not become the standard for every future relationship.
Ultimately, healing may require accepting the loss while recognising that an imagined future can be rebuilt in a different form.
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